The Nightmare of People-Pleasing
Being known as the most dependable, compassionate, patient, generous, and selfless person can be a nightmare.
For a people-pleaser, this can be hell. Although it is good to want to be helpful, it can eventually break us down. We desire approval when we don’t receive it for years, and we will do anything to get it, even sacrificing our own needs. We will fail to assert our individual needs and put others first, which will create a breakdown.
What truly goes in the hell of people-pleasing?
1. Temporary, One-sided Relationships
In the beginning, there is joy and fun in a relationship. Then, we feel drained, angry, and mild confrontation. Our partner gets offended, and there is no solution. Our relationships are also one-sided. We are expected to plan every date, be on call, have sex when we don’t want to, and other things. Every relationship is a dead end.
Since my own past experiences, I have no desire to have a relationship. I am more happy and content single than in a relationship. I have the freedom to be myself.
2. No Identity
We are not satisfied with ourselves because we never get to be ourselves. We feel we have to be like others to have approval. We think other people will get offended if we show ourselves. Therefore, we do not express our opinions. In my own experience, people have judged me based on lies and rumors from my abuser and family. Consequently, I learned not to give a damn what people think of me. I speak my mind and could care less about what people think. You learn from harsh and traumatic experiences that people will judge you no matter what, and you don’t need their approval.
3. Disappearing Cash
We feel obligated to support everyone in need of money. We have a hard time setting boundaries and saying no. Then, we lose money. My resolution to this problem was that I had no money to give. When you endure being broke, you have no choice but to worry about yourself and say no. Otherwise, you will lose what you have. I learned to say no because saying no was my only choice. People got upset, but I didn’t care. I had to put myself first.
4. Bitterness under the Surface
When we try to gain the approval of others more than we chase our desires, a deep resentment grows inside us. Eventually, we feel we don’t get the praise or thanks we deserve. That can get dangerous. Quiet, growing anger is the worst because we ultimately have a meltdown and explode. After I exploded, I had an awakening, and I knew I had to stop trying to please others when they did not even acknowledge anything I did for them.
5. Interrupted Time
When we don’t live to please others, we manage our time well. We pursue our studies, careers, and hobbies. When we aim to please others, our lives get interrupted with the needs of others while our desires get placed on the back burner. Our time is not ours, and it is quickly interrupted.
6. Loss of Mental and Physical Energy
When our goal is to please others, we say what we believe other people want to hear and what they want to get done. All our energy fuels their personal needs instead of our own, yet they still do not approve of us. As we try harder and harder to please them, we lose energy mentally and physically. It can make you sick.
7. Not Everyone is Satisfied
You can be the most helpful and compassionate person in the world, but you will encounter someone who will try to take advantage of that. They will use you, and you will not have their approval. They may despise you. That’s why it is essential to say no because people will hate you no matter what.
Most people usually don’t want anything to do with you when they know you are a people-pleaser. The only time they will want you around is when they need something from you. That is the only time a people-pleaser is included. That’s why I don’t have many friends now. The ones I do have are true and don’t take advantage of me. I choose my friends wisely and make sure they are genuine. It is better to have one true friend than many fake friends who don’t care.
9. Not Speaking the Truth
When your ultimate goal is to please others and not argue, you do not voice your truth or opinion. Then, you are taken advantage of, your boundaries get crossed, and bitterness grows. You also do not express your opinion on matters because you believe it will not matter. After years of not speaking the truth, pretending to be happy, living a lie, and not expressing my true feelings, I exploded. Meltdowns happen when you don’t reveal the truth about how you feel. I learned the hard way. People will walk all over you with lies, abuse, and hate. That is why it is essential to speak up and express yourself.
10. Getting Used
As people-pleasers, we get used by numerous people. It can be people wanting rides, wanting you to watch the kids, sex, and much more. However, we are not the ones they invite to lunch, to a movie, or to have a beer. When you allow yourself to get manipulated by one, more will follow. That is why I choose my friends wisely, and I decide what I want to do in my personal life. When I want to say no, I say no and mean it.
11. No Personal Contentment
While we are so busy trying to please others, we do not know what we love to do. We do not honestly know our hobbies, types of movies we enjoy, or the food we prefer. After my traumatic experience and awakening, it was as though I returned to who I was as a child. As a child, I loved listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd and ZZ Top, funny movies, fishing, rollerblading, and mystery books. I got to know myself again and returned to those passions. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. Everyone I knew in my life believed lies about me anyway. I knew I had to take care of my inner child and me.
Saying NO is NOT Selfish
It is good to want to help people, but being a people-pleaser can be unhealthy. It causes others to depend too much on you and take advantage of you. You will feel like an object rather than an actual person. To truly help someone else, we have to take care of ourselves first. Therefore, saying no is not being selfish. Saying no does not make you an evil person. It can make you a better person.
The Nightmare of People-Pleasing
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