My wife has just been told she has terminal cancer

We have just found out that my wife has terminal cancer, how do you deal with that as a couple. She is my best friend and the love of my life. I cant stand the torture she is going through. Its only been 2 days but we are just in bits. Any advice would be much appreciated.

15 posts since

7 Apr 2018

Hi Tony52

I’m so sorry and I know exactly how you feel one week ago my husband was told the same he’s going through the blame/anger/why me stage and I feel guilty for eating when he cant. He has also told me he is sorry like its somehow his fault, I’m trying to be strong as I imagine you are but its hard, Im sorry I have no real advice but listening and talking to each other and trying to stay positive is all we can do at the moment until we understand the next steps

Best wishes

Carol

5181 posts since

15 Jul 2010

Hi Tony,

My heart goes out to you both. Has your wife been unwell for a while or has this come as a bolt out of the blue? I cared for both of my parents, several family members and close friends with cancer and have been battling it myself for the past 8 years. In this time I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer, so I know just how devastating it can be.

It sounds as if you are doing all of the right things. The biggest thing to help you both along this terrible journey is to keep the communication channels open. This makes all the difference to both of you.

What type of cancer does your wife have and are her care team considering any chemo treatment to slow down the metastases? Does she have any further appointments lined up and have they given you both a prognosis or not?

I am in a similar position with my beloved husband of 46 years just now and, know just how heart-breaking it is to see him fail. He doesn’t have cancer, but had stents put in 11 years ago, a quadruple by-pass 10 years ago, followed by pneumonia, diabetes, a stroke and, in the past 3 weeks, chronic heart failure. He was rushed back in to hospital for the second time in 2 weeks last night and currently remains ensconced there.

We have been told that no further operations are an option. They are trying to hold him with medication, but so far, it isn’t working. His mother of 94 is receiving end of life care at home, with carers and nurses coming in 5 times a day and his 97 year old father is doing his best to look after her. It’s a worrying time all round!

All you can do is to live in the here and now and do your best to build memories while you can. Do you have a family or friends who can help you out at this difficult time? Don’t turn down any offers of help, no matter how small or mundane. You’ll find that you really do appreciate them as time goes on.
I wish you both the strength to carry on.

Please keep in touch and let us know if we can be of any help to you. We are always here for you both.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

5181 posts since

15 Jul 2010

Hi Carol,

I’m so sorry that you have had to join the cancer club too. Nothing is easy about this sort of diagnosis. Was this a sudden diagnosis, or has your hubby been ill for a while? If you read my reply to Tony, you will see that we are in a similar situation, albeit for a different reason. The emotions you mention are all the same words that my hubby is uttering.

Having had 2 bouts of breast cancer myself, he has been caring for me these last 8 years and now he cannot accept that it is my turn to care for him. He keeps apologising for being ill and not being able to do things – it’s not as if he had any choice in the matter unfortunately!

Has your hubby got any further appointments yet and, have they decided whether or not there is anything they can do to help slow down the progression of the cancer?

I am thinking of and praying for both of you and am sure that you will find the strength to see this through.

Please let us know how you are getting on. We are always here for both of you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

2 posts since

8 Apr 2018

Hi Carol

i am sorry to hear you are in a similar position, it is so very hard especially not knowing what to do for the best. I don’t usually post messages etc. But it just got too overwhelming yesterday so thank you so much for you reply, we wish you the strength needed at this time real advances are being made all the time so we do have that hope.

best wishes

Tony

115 posts since

3 Oct 2016

Hello Tony,

I am sorry to hear of your situation, but I hope that my story might help you help you and your wife to stay positive and perhaps to bring some Hope and Focus to the terrible panic that you might have been feeling (I spent so much of my time in a perpetual state of hysterical panic at the start of my journey with cancer).

7 years ago, when I was 44, I found myself with terminal breast cancer (it had spread throughout both my lungs and liver with no palpable breast lump, and few symptoms except shortness of breath and extreme fatigue), and I was not expected to live very long.

I am now 52, and still physically fit despite the terrible prognosis, but the mental battle has been pretty tough. Although it is difficult living with Stage 4 cancer, it is definitely worth trying to stay positive. Nobody knows what’s round the corner; I imagined all sorts of horrible stuff, and none of that particular stuff came true (so that was a great waste of precious time wasn’t it!? lol)

In the first years, I was not expected to live very long, but now I have learnt to take each day, one day at a time. Each morning I wake up, open my eyes, and say to myself “It’s not got me yet! And it’s not going to get me today” and I carry on.

I continue to plan my life as though I expect to be here. I have made arrangements for all eventualities, but I am planning to continue to be part of a growing band of people living with cancer rather than dying of it.

After all, there are many new treatments coming forth, thanks to research, and I hope we can all Surf on the Wave of new treatments.

I truly wish you both all the very best. You and your wife are very welcome to message me on here as I check it every other day or so. I cannot give advice, but I am happy to tell you what I do to try to stay positive and healthy.

Take good care of yourself too Tony,

Mary

1 posts since

9 Apr 2018

15 posts since

7 Apr 2018

Hi Jolamine

7 weeks ago he was a working bricklayer with an irritating sore throat, one monday morning he went to take his medication (he had high blood pressure) and it wouldnt go down he wen to the doctors who reffered him for tests, one test after another until 29/3 when we were given this devastating news. He was unable to eat anything after that morning and as a result he has gone from a burly frame to skinny and his love of food and his inability to now eat is more of a worry than the cancer at this moment. He said life without being able to eat to him is no life. We were told (albeits it was a bit of a haze) that they could not operate but he could have chemo if he got strenght back he’s had a tube fitted and that is his food source now. We are waiting for hospital appointments to come through for the oncologist so that we can ask more questions and also for a stent so he can at least eat. His inability to eat if affecting both me and our 17 year old daughter as we feel like we are torturing him by doing so even though this would upset him greatly if he realised. Thank you for your prayers xx

Carol

10 posts since

6 Apr 2018

Dear Mary

Your words are vrry positive and good to hear. Im so glad you live like you do and it gives me hope. My husband was diagnosed with bowel cancer today. I am utterly devestated and just dont know what to do.

Chantal x

115 posts since

3 Oct 2016

Hello Chantal,

I am devastated for you too, so sorry. Cancer is a horrible disease. And everyone’s cancer is different.

I do believe that the following things have helped me to feel more in control, and helped me to keep Hope and Focus so far:

*maintaining an interest in my medical treatment and feeling part of the team with decision making

*healthy lifestyle (with wholesome healthy food, and gentle exercise, whenever possible)

*trying to stay positive, focussing on the things I can do for myself to compliment my treatment

*hope that I might survive this (unreasonable say some, but some people do, so why not me?) and realisation that (although the cancer might one day draw my life to a close -many years from now I hope lol) there is a gap between diagnosis and death. With new treatments, and future progress, that gap might even be a big one! I spent most of my first year in the most tremendous state of panic, and what a dreadful waste of time that was?! I still panic, it wells up inside me most days, but the hospice psychologist spent some time teaching me ways to help myself when it happens, and it is less frequent now and less distressing

*accepting help whenever I need it (see above), and allowing family and friends to help too

Over that last 7 years there have been many challenges in my life, and I have picked up numerous little mental “tricks” that help me to focus, and give me the strength to keep hope and to carry on. I am happy to share anything that has helped me. Above are just a few.

I hope this helps?

Take each day as it comes, and look after yourself too Chantal.

Big huge hugs from me here to you both xxxxx

5181 posts since

15 Jul 2010

Hi Carol,

To have this happen so suddenly must be absolutely devastating. I can appreciate that his tube is no compensation for being able to eat food and trust that his stent will make a difference. Let’s face it, there is a definite social element to being able to share good food with loved ones and, I can understand how you and your daughter find it so difficult to eat in front of your hubby.Your own meals must taste like cotton wool.

Try to write down any questions you have before you see the oncologist. You will find this a useful thing to do before any appointment. I usually give my hubby a duplicate list of my questions and he writes down the answers whilst I ask my consultant the pertinant questions. Many of us do this, as it is all too easy to forget to ask important questions or to remember answers during the ‘heat’ of the consultation.

How is your daughter coping with all of this? It must be very difficult for her at this formative time of her life.

Do let us know when you get your appointment through. I sincerely hope that your hubby will be considered fit enough to have have chaemo and that this will help give him the extra time that you all want.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

15 posts since

7 Apr 2018

Hi Jolamine

Most of the time I dont even know what too eat he used to be the one with the evening meal suggestions as he loved to cook when he got home from work. Tonight again I didnt care about what I ate he suggested a spanish omelette because thats what he fancied so I made it, it made him happy that I had made what he suggested and very good it was too.

Still waiting for those appointments to come in Sad wish they would hurry.

Im working so that the time he needs me I can be available we were due on a cruise next Monday and he’s upset about that feels like he’s let us down – as if!!

Its hard with our daughter I try not to be upset in front of her (or him) because in some ways she thinks it will all get better and he doesnt want her to worry, she has some very good close friends who she is talking to so knowing that helps.

He’s fed up with not having anything tasty in his mouth so I bought him some lolly’s and today he made a sweet coffee (he normally doesnt take sugar) and hes not been drinking anything other than sips of water so that made me happy that he was prepared to try sip something else.

Thanks for replying Jolamine xx

Carol

5181 posts since

15 Jul 2010

Hi Carol,

I am glad to hear that you enjoyed your Spanish omelette and made hubby happy in the process. My hubby has been cooking the evening meal for a number of years now. He has recently been diagnosed with chronic heart failure and has landed in hospital twice in the past 3 weeks. He hasn’t got the energy to cook and, I must confess, that I have little interest in food when I am on my own.

I do hope that you’ll get your appointments soon. I expect that you have been looking forward to your cruise for quite a while. You must all be feeling pretty gutted about having to cancel it.

I am glad to hear that your daughter has some good friends who she can talk to. I often feel sorry for teenagers caught up in all of this. Quite frequently, their friends have had no experience of illness or death and, youngsters find that their friends don’t really know how to react under the circumstances. There is a website for children who either have cancer themselves or who are coping with cancer in a loved one. This is called rip.rap and many teenagers have found it good to be able to go to a site where other young people are going through the same trials as themselves.

I presume that you got ordinary lollies for hubby. What about ice lollies? I have a very dry mouth as a result of medication and find the natural juice ice lollies help to relieve the excessive dryness for a short while. It sounds as if he is getting fed up of only having water – did he enjoy his coffee?

I am still thinking of and praying for you all and hope that your appointments are in the post by now.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

3 posts since

20 Nov 2018

Hi Mary, I hope you are still doing well. Your post has given me the much needed hope I so desperatly craved. My Dad was told yesterday that he has teminal cancer and is exptected to live for 12 months and my heart is breaking. Can you tell me if it was the treatment that kept this at bay for you? Or was it hope?

Thanks

Tammy

6 posts since

16 Nov 2018

I have terminal inoperable incurable rare primary Brain Cancer and I too, am broken hearted for my husband of 36 years. He just doesn’t know what to do and feels entirely disempowered!

Ive declined Radio and Chemo therapies to date as I remain relatively asymptomatic- it’s weird !

I think now there’s a change in the latest scan he’s hoping I’ll go for one or the other …..or both . Not sure I will actually but I can’t bear to tell him. Seeing Oncologist tomorrow and I’ll keep an open mind ….even though I dislike her ! Seeing my husband and sons suffer is almost as bad as suffering myself

Id say go out, have fun, meal, lunch,cinema. Not necessarily with friends though.Just yourselves is more than enough people to consider. It’s hard going out – it’s much easier to cosy in and if that’s the case then so be it ! Do not get caught up with other people’s needs. Important people now are your wife and you and your own family if you have children.

Ive had a couple of months to get to this place mind you – it’s not selfish, it’s self preserving and that’s a must !!!

susieq32

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