They keep saying I’m so brave, but I’m really scared..
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3 posts since
1 Jun 2019
Hi all, just really saying hello. Iam very new to all this and I also have never even joined a forum of any kind before.
Iam a 36 year old mum of 4. I have struggled in the past 2 years with my mental health and in oct last year had a operation for a slip disc on my l5-s1 lumbar spine, which had left me on crutches all summer before. Anyway long story short 3 weeks ago i went to the breast clinic after showing my gp a lump in my right breast. I thought it would be a quick ultrasound but a few of them, 2 mammograms and biospys later i left sore & worried. Week past and i got the results i knew but was dreading. They tell me its grade 3 aggressive and in 5 lymph nodes. I had a full body scan ct scan and results from that yestorday where good no futher than under arm lymphs. Apart from that yestorday i have been told it is estrogen negitive and pr positive. I have to wait till next thursday to see if im her2. Ive been told to expect a plan surgery/treatment then also. This has all happen so fast i swear i just blinked and missed the month of may! Does that make any sense lol i dunno… but anyway thats kinda sums up my last year, a bit **** but its making me stop and appreciate life a lot more. 
ps. Its ok not to be ok x
3894 posts since
18 Aug 2017
Hi there …
You summed it up better then I could in just a few words … it’s o.k , not to be o.k … any one who gets that diagnosis and is “o.k ” is fibbing …
I had a grade 3 lump too … and a total right masectomy in July 2017 … and looking back, the scariest part of the whole thing was where you are now … waiting for things to begin … there’s lots of us breast lasses on here… all with one thing in common…. kicking cancers ass …
I had two days of shutting myself away … and crying it all out .. it did me good as I came out the other side, ready for the journey ahead … so I got my self some pink vertual boxing gloves and got in the ring with cancer… looked it square in the eye .. and got ready to hit it right back … I’ve got a tee shirt l love that says ” cancer touched my boob… so I kicked it’s ass”
And you know the meaning of TRUE bravery … is being scared witless but still doing what you have to do any way … that’s brave … so when your ready … get your pink vertual boxing gloves on and join us in the ring … there’s lots of us in there … together wer stronger … I’m nearly 2 years on from my masectomy… and doing well …
Sending you a vertual hug…. you can do this … Chrissie xx
3894 posts since
18 Aug 2017
Any questions … there’s always someone here, will help … x
1057 posts since
4 Jan 2019
Hi Rubies
Like Chriss said welcome to the forum we’re all here for the same reason getting stressed out and ready to panic, did you find it helps to tell others, if you did your welcome to let off some steam, any time you feel like it, some of us are just starting our journey others just finishing, some of us stay on to try and help others we’ve been through it so we know what it’s like,.,.
Billy
3 posts since
1 Jun 2019
Hiya chris/billy thanks for the reply and kind welcoming. As billy said there’s a lot of things were are probably my paranoia kicking in and just stuff in general i feel the need to vent but just can’t a home to my partner family etc don’t want to worry them so hold it all in for days, hence why i joined this forum. To make online friends how are going through/been through what iam currently dealing with so thanks even if its just a hello etc.
Chris i gotta say when reading your comment i guess you got it 2 a T. I sopose iam braver than i think and your reply made me realise that also made me cry but in a good way and then your tshirt you said you had made me giggle, that’s a good 1.
Today is a good day for me, the sun is shinning and I have just come back from watching my middle son daniel doing this football training. I enjoy watching him play, he’s 11 football is his life of course he wants to play for a top team when he get bigger, hes very sporty and like to quiz me on my football players. Im getting better but can’t remember alot of the names teams etc, he gets excited and rambles on. But thats daniel and he is 1 for questioning everything. I have 3 other children.. Jacob is 3, Harry is 14 and louise is 18 and will be leaving me at the end of summer to go to Buckinghamshire uni!!! She’s been my rock I haven’t told her everything but she knew when I first discovered my lump and i didn’t even tell her my diagnosis she just knew and gave me a big hug and said your do this easy, but I couldn’t cry in front of her same as my mum.
Chris you say your a nanny, your children are older but no matter what age it isn’t easy thing to tell your kids. Do you have kids Billy? If so how did you find it? and any advice anyone has with telling the smaller ones ie, toddler/pre sch age I’d be very grateful. You she jacob knew i had a sore booby, but since my bruises have gone from the biopsys I think he thinks it’s better now! But they pick up so much when your talking you do realise how much they kinda know at that age do you?
Enjoy your Saturday ladies and this lovely sunshine were having ( im from south east, but hopefully you all having some too ) get out there and grab your vit d and sunshine makes you feel good too xxxx
1057 posts since
4 Jan 2019
Don’t forget anytime your welcome,.
Billy
46 posts since
19 Apr 2019
hi rubies
i have been on this forum for a few weeks now since my diagnosis of bc grade 2 and in lymph nodes. Billy goat has offered great advice in the past to me. I came on here today to look for virtual reassurance again. What do you do when you having a down day, my mind is not on my side today. Thought I’d been doing really well. Have coped with my masectomy etc really well but today I’m in a dark place and struggling to pull my big girl pants on.
i empathise with you Hun it is such a scary place the waiting. I get my results wed from masectomy and node removal. Hoping only low number affected.
My children are 19, newly turned 18, 16 and 11. My elder two had guessed something was up and went snooping. Telling the younger two was hard. A lot of crying, a lot of questions from my youngest. He tells me now he is ok as he believes. The 16 year old doesn’t like the younger one to ask questions. Guess everyone deals with it differently. I try and remind myself that I can’t stop the youngest believing in me I must make them proud of me.
im sorry I’ve took over your thread Hun with my own insecurities and paranoia. Not too sure what the point of my post is to be honest.
3894 posts since
18 Aug 2017
Hi there …
Yea my granddaughter Emily in the pic was 5 when I had my masectomy … we are as close as a nanny and granddaughter could be … I’ve helped look after her from a baby … and she adores me as much as I do her ..
Well kids … even young ones pick up on things really easy … and when nothing’s said to them, they learn to hold feelings in .. and they get scared … now with our Emily, we were GENTLY honest right from the start … nothing huge but truthfull .. we told her nannies boob was very poorly and I had to go to hospital so the Drs could TRY to make it better …
When she came into the hospital to see me, gave me the gentlest of hugs … when I had her to stay after a few weeks .. she was sitting on my lap, watching t.v … I was adjusting my falsy .. she turned round and asked what I was doing .. so I told her l was adjusting my new false boob .. well she pulled my tee shirt away looked down at my missing boob and screeched “nanny how are you going to feed babies now!!! ”
Well still makes me giggle … and when she asked why they took it .. l told her because it was poorly the Dr needed to take the bad bit away to make me better ..
Now she did ask once while staying with me, as we were laying on the bed at night… she asked me if I was going to die … well I’ve always told her that brightest star in the sky is my mum’s star … so I said, if I do die, I will be the little star next to it … so I could look down and see her .. and she could look up, and I’d be right there …
You know it’s just finding answers that are right for their age .. and they can cope better then we think .. they can cry one minute and go off and play the next … and never worry if they see you cry .. that gives them permission to cry too.. and crying can get those emotions out … too many people hold them in and children learn to do the same …
I think I remember hearing McMillan do books for children with photos to explain about mummy and the things that may happen along the way .. maybe call them and ask if they still do them ..
I’m here most days so feel free to chat .. or vent .. or anything really … this site has been a life saver for me and many others … please trust your heart … and walk this scary journey with as many as you can .. they will get you through .. and once you get your fighting gloves on .. and they see you coping but sharing feelings .. they will all be on board … it’s o.k to feel scared .. it’s o.k to cry .. and it’s o.k to laugh at things too … Chrissie xx
3894 posts since
18 Aug 2017
Hi …Mejules ..
Just want to say .. when your having a bad day .. go with it … scream / cry / swear … get it all out .. we all have days where it’s too much .. that’s why they say it’s a rollercoaster ride … it’s easy to come crashing down … and what happens on rollercoaster rides .. everyone screams …
It’s about balance … get out the bad stuff .. but then when your all cryed out .. get back up .. put your boxing gloves back on .. and join us all in this journey to kick cancers butt …
Sending you a vertual hug… Chrissie xx
46 posts since
19 Apr 2019
Hi chrissie
thanks for your reassurance the other day. Was better the following day and even joined a walking group Monday as I’m not allowed to go back running for another few weeks. Thought it would do me good to get out. Get my results today from my mammogram and lymph node clearance this afternoon and although like every time I get results I think it’s going to be bad I’m trying to stay positive. What will be will be.
Thanks once again for taking time out to make me feel better. Truly appreciate it x
3894 posts since
18 Aug 2017
Hi …
Your welcome …
And I’ve got everything crossed for you .. l mean everything .. so let me know how you go .. as with my legs crossed to, l keep falling over …
On a serious note … I’ll be right there vertually by your side .. boxing gloves in hand … no matter what ,. Well kick cancers ass .. sending you a spiecial hug … Chrissie ❤x
46 posts since
19 Apr 2019
Hi Chriss
got results today. Masectomy went well. It was 6.5cm. 2 out of 12 lymph nodes were cancerous but all taken out. Do consultant said in effect I am now cancer free! Was so relieved. Still got to have chemo and radiotherapy. Appointment with oncologist on Monday x
thanks for listening when I’ve been down x
3894 posts since
18 Aug 2017
Hi there …
Well that’s as good a news as you could hope for … so now you got the hard work to do … but at least you can see the light at the end of the tunnel ..
Get your vertual boxing gloves on… and get in the ring with the rest of us, ready to kick cancers butt .. sending you a vertual hug… you can do this … being brave is feeling scared witless but still doing what you have to anyway…. wer all here with you .. Chrissie ❤
1057 posts since
4 Jan 2019
Hi Rubies
So sorry about not getting back to you sooner something went wrong with phone, things all over the place takes some sorting out, in reply to what you asked 1st Jan no children of my own have 2 step sons, 3 great grand daughters, three great grand sons and three great great grand children, i usto miss not having my own, but not now it can be chaos when they come round to visit. Youngest is three into every thing., sorry enough about me noticed things are getting sorted hope things keep going well best wishes.
Billy
They keep saying I’m so brave, but I’m really scared..
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