Riddled with guilt

I posted for the first time on here the other day. 2 months ago I lost my Dad aged 66 to mesothelioma, cancer caused by asbestos exposure. I’m only 21 and it’s really hard to look forward to anything in the future knowing my Dad won’t be there. He’s going to miss all the big milestones and achievements that I haven’t even come close to yet, which is really hard to come to terms with. I just can’t believe that I’ve got to go my whole life without seeing him or talking to him ever again. I’ve also never lost anyone before so this was a real shock.

One of the main issues I’m facing at the moment is I am riddled with guilt and regret. So much so that I feel unwell. My Dad was never one to have emotional chats so I didn’t get to have any closure before he died. He also didn’t want me to see him in his final weeks because he was frightened for me to see him so sick. I know he was protecting me, and I love him for that, but it’s really difficult to avoid feeling like I should have done more. I should have sat with him. I should have talked to him. And now I will never be able to tell him all the things I wanted to and I’m completely broken because of this. I know these feelings are normal but I’m really struggling to come to terms with it all.

Any kind words/words of advice would be greatly appreciated x

207 posts since

2 Jun 2021

I’m so sorry you have lost your dear dad.. My sympathy goes out to you..

I completely understand the the guilt etc.. I wasn’t with my dad either..

I. 12 years on and I still struggle with it from time to time but…. It does get easier.

Talk to him.. He’ll be walking beside you everyday.

I talk to my dad every day even if it’s just good morning.. I kiss his photo every morning too. It just kinda helps me..

Take one day at a time.

15 posts since

24 Jul 2021

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad.

My Mum was quite sick and we knew that the time would come sooner or later, but in the end everything happened so quickly and many things left unsaid.

I still struggle when something happens and I can’t tell her. About 6 weeks after she had passed and I just couldn’t fill the urge of tellung her by telling others, I started writing letters to her. I got a journal and just write whatever I feel like telling her. Sometimes it’ll be about what I did all week, sometimes how much I miss, sometimes when I’m struggling with something. While writing I imagine having the conversation with her and what she’d say. Obviously this is no replacement but it has helped me a little.

If you feel like it is getting too much you might want to see your GP. This is what I had to do 4 weeks ago. There might be some support they can give you. I have found it easier to talk to a stranger as I don’t feel like I’m being judged.

Take care x

2 posts since

31 Jul 2021

I do understand how you feel and feeling guilty, though you have not done anything wrong. Your Dad wanted you to rather remember him as he was before he became very ill. He did it to save you heartache. One feels helpless

I was out of the country when my mother passed and felt guilty that I could not be with her when she passed. A very dear friend suggested that I write a letter to her, telling my Mom how I felt. To start writing the letter was difficult but towards the end, it became easier. The letter had many tears that fell on it, but I was sure she would understand.

I wrote her name on the envelope and the address as Heaven, stamped it and mailed it.

It did bring me some comfort. Saying farewell is not easy, time makes it a bit easier.

31 posts since

7 Apr 2021

Hi @aimeem ‍

Firstly, I am very sorry for what has happened to you and how you are feeling now. I just had to reply to this post because I went through the same feelings as you when my mum died. She was diagnosed in February and died in March – things happened so quickly that I was just overwhelmed by the situation and very confused (I now understand my mum was protecting me, but I didn’t at the time). I knew she was dying, and yet I still didn’t get to say everything I wanted to. She spent the last 8 days of her life alone in hospital, and I only went to see her the day she died – this wasn’t all my fault because the hospital were very poor communicating the facts to me and I was just so confused, I actually thought she was going to come out of hospital to die at home.

I don’t really have much advice other than please don’t beat yourself up about things.

Riddled with guilt

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