Lost my mum 2 years ago and looking for advice I think

First of all, I’m now 28 years old and my mum was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2015 as I was about to turn 24. She had a lumpectomy, chemo and radiotherapy and by the beginning of 2016 she had the “all clear” and was in remission.

I loved my mum, I was an only child raised by a single parent from the age of 7 and she was my world. I relied so heavily on her, she held me and the rest of the family together. She cried when I went on holiday and let me drop out of uni after a week because she missed me and wanted me to come home. She supported me through everything life threw at us and taught me to be a survivor. She was sweet and kind and hilarious and my best friend.

2016 was the best year, she was getting back to her old self, her hair was growing back and I moved out with my partner. In summer 2017 she called me when I finished work and asked me to come up to my uncles. I burst into tears immediately because somehow I knew what was coming. She had been on a drugs trial since she was all clear to test whether a drug to treat secondary breast cancer could help prevent it completely. She was on the trial because they offered monthly monitoring. She had been for a test at the hospital because of her back pain, and at a doctors appointment the GP told her that at her next oncology appointment they were going to tell her that the cancer had come back in her liver.

The day at my uncles she told me “they don’t like to call it terminal anymore, it’s life limiting” and I just knew that this was it and I couldn’t breathe I just wanted to die so I didn’t have to feel this pain. She went into hospital the next week for a test and didn’t come out. She had aggressive liver cancer, which spread into her bones from the initial breast cancer, and lied for 2 years unnoticed until it showed up in the liver. I visited her a few times but she didn’t want me to see her like that, and I didn’t want to see her like that either. She was yellow and delirious and angry and not my mum anymore.

The oncologist gave her 6-18 months with chemo, 3-6 months without. I looked at her and said “I know my mum and there isn’t a week left in her”. I saw her again 2 days later on her birthday, and then 8 days later she died. She was transferred to a hospice because she was so distressed and had to be sedated, then died in her sleep. The next day I got up early and went outside and I could feel in the air that she had gone.

I did eventually go back to work after having 2 months off and I have tried to go back to normal, even though normal is completely different now. For 2 years I’ve had nightmares about her, either that I know she’s about to die and I’m so sad and don’t want to let go, or that she is in hospital and flatlines and I scream for her (I wasn’t there when she died). They are less frequent now but still as disturbing. I used to wake up and forget that she died but I don’t do that anymore. I struggled going shopping in case I saw something she would like but couldn’t buy it for her, but that is easier now. I cry when I think about her but I can function on autopilot and not let it take over me, which I never thought I’d be able to do.

In 3 days time it will be the 2 year anniversary of her death and I am struggling to believe that I haven’t seen or spoken to my mum in 2 years and that I can’t see or speak to her ever again. I do have my partner and some family members supporting me, but it is such an agonising and lonely experience that only my mum would be able to take away.

I guess I’m looking for someone in a similar situation? I’ve spoken to friends of friends who lost their mothers too, and although it is good to speak to other people, I find myself looking for someone who’s story is closer to my own. I don’t have siblings to share my pain like others do, or a father figure, or anyone who loved her like I did. Nobody else in my world knows how I feel.

She raised me a strong woman and I know that I will be okay and my life will go on without her, so I don’t need someone to confirm that for me, I just want to feel even 1% less alone.

Sorry this is so much writing and thank you if you read it all.

Katie

5 posts since

15 Sep 2019

Hiya!

i am so sorry for the loss of your mum and couldn’t believe after reading your post how similar you are to me. Firstly I too am 28 and my mum died last year also of breast cancer, she was my absolute rock I told her everything I never went to friends for advice it would always be her, We would go shopping all the time always getting cups of teas together she would call and text me constantly even tho I lived with my partner i would always be round her house she was just the most amazing person ever. In September 2017 I fell pregnant and this was her first grandchild and she was so excited always buying baby bits threw me the most amazing baby shower and helped me majorly throughout my pregnancy. Just before I found out I was pregnant in June 2017 she had been diagnosed with breast cancer and had suffered a fracture in her back which I was told was due to osteoporosis but for the breast cancer she was given an anti estrogen drug to stop it from growing (as it was purely living off of estrogen) to me this was the best out of a bad situation she didn’t have to have chemo survival rates were very good. My family had hid some details from me as I was pregnant at the time and my mum always worried about me because I am quite an anxious person anyway. My family didn’t tell me her cancer was also in her lymph nodes and possibly in her back too (but even not knowing this she still only had to take the drug she didn’t require chemo) fast forward to June 2018 I had given birth to my beautiful daughter with my mum and partner by my side. She was in absolute awe of her grandchild and I was on cloud 9 I had everything. 3 weeks after she told me the cancer drug had stopped working and chemo was needed and my world crushed I couldn’t believe it everything was going so well. I was having panic attacks when she’d have appointments etc. I would look at her and just thought you just don’t look right she was quite pale and just looked so tired and st times made very confusing comments she walked up the stairs and was out of breath and I just knew something was not right. I came to her house went in to her room and she would not wake up my sister had to call an ambulance she was unconscious I had a 3 week old baby it was as if I was living a nightmare this should be the best time of my life. She went to the hospital my dad rushed home from work and I was so worriednthey made out everything was under control and then couple of days later my dad and brother went in and never called me or my sister so I knew something was up I got a phone call it was a nurse telling me to come to the hospital obviously that was it for me I knew from then how I even got the hospital I was still in my Pjamas I was in a complete daze and went in to a black hole where it hurt to move any part of my body, a dr confirmed the cancer had got in to her bone marrow and used the word a very unique case which Winds me up to this day. I didn’t watch her die as I didn’t want them haunting images in my head I was so bad I couldn’t even bring myself to go to her funeral as I didn’t want to see a coffin knowing she was in there. It was so hard and is making me tearful writing this I actually don’t know how I did it with a new born and going through that major loss. Now I get the pain of my daughter never knowing my mum and when she does funny things I don’t have my mum to tell or show pictures as she would find the smallest thing she does amusing. I too have been searching for people in similar situations and who are the same age as me or the same age as my mum as I feel so alone and feel I have this label with me forever the girl who lost her mum after her daughter was born 🙁

i hope your ok and that my post has helped in any way xx

5 posts since

15 Sep 2019

Sorry reading it back I made a mistake it was 3 weeks since she told me she would need chemo and it was in weeks after that when I noticed she just looked really ill and she died when my daughter was 6 weeks old x

23 posts since

21 Aug 2019

Hello sorry for your loss, I lost my mam 25 years ago to breast cancer when I was just 20. There is not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and how much I miss her. I have had more of my life without her now and it hurts still. Eventually the pain becomes less but big life events like getting married and having children makes you feel sad they are not with you experiencing your happiness. I would recommend bereavement counselling if you can as I never did and wish I had as I now suffer with health anxiety worrying what happened to her will happen to me! So all I can offer is it does get easier and all you can do is cherish the time you had x

1185 posts since

3 May 2018

Its not to late for counciling 2 years is not long realy if you ring your local hospice speak to counciler they will know what to do it was my life line we all have questions and they have some of the answers .paul

20 posts since

18 Jul 2019

Hi. I’m so sorry for your loss, I too am in a very similar position to you. I lost my amazing mum 3 months ago now and the pain is unbearable.

My mum too was told that her cancer was stage 4 and she never asked for a prognosis either. I totally understand why she did this, she didn’t want that held over her head. She just wanted to get on with the treatment her consultants advised she do because my mum was going to beat this! We were in it together, a team! I remember every appointment I went to with her, what the room looked like, smelt like, everything.

My mum has always been my rock, supported me through everything in my life. I’ve always had my dad in my life but he is no comparison to my mum. Me and mum did everything together, spent every weekend together. She is my rock and I don’t know how I go on without her in my life.

I looked after mum throughout her treatment, I saw her, like you say, change as a person. She became impatient, moody, nothing like who my mum was, this disease took everything from her, her personality, her dignity and to watch it everyday has been unimaginable. She faded away in front of my eyes. However, the consultant told me on the Friday that he had no immediate concerns over mums blood results but she was gone on the Monday. I keep asking why, what happened?!

People keep telling me things will get easier in time, I just can’t see it! Even though I have 2 young children and other family I too feel so alone, loneliness like I’ve never felt.

I just want you to know I too feel like you.

12 posts since

14 Apr 2019

Hi Katie,

I could of wrote this post about my mum so so so Similar dates and the horrendous things that happened. I’m not coping so well today it’s been 2 years 3 months and I just feel lost this week and totally devastated my mum was my world.

hope you are ok

Lost my mum 2 years ago and looking for advice I think

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