Should you let your kids invite friends on vacation?

When we were kids, my parents occasionally let my brother and me take friends on vacations. I suspect the reasoning was twofold: more fun for us and less hassle for them. My brother and I were different. He’d want to go fishing; I’d want to read. He’d want to go hiking; I’d want to read. He’d want to go to the arcade; I’d want to read. Bringing along friends got me off the couch and into the world and provided my brother with like-minded company. It was a win-win situation.

But now I’m the parent, and, recently, while planning a weeklong trip, my 8-year-old daughter asked to bring along a companion. This stunned me. Weren’t my husband and I enough company for her? We’re fun, right?

Well, yes and no. We get along, but three is an odd number. Someone always sits alone on one side of the restaurant booth. And it’s not like she’s ignored, but as adults, we don’t always want to play pretend or tell gross-out jokes (OK, my husband does favor the latter, so I’m the odd one out.) So, for the first time, we considered taking a companion. Our decision making process included pros and cons, the selection procedure, financial issues, and behavioral management. From this experience, I’ll share two rules and many recommendations — not all may apply to your family and your vacation, but they may help you think through any concerns you have.

Years ago, my parents figured out the advantages to including friends. There’s company for the child, so adults can still have fun with the kids without having to be playmates. This is especially important if you have an only child or siblings with differences in age, developmental levels, or interests. In our case, we thought, “Someone else to play Twenty Questions might not be a bad idea.”

There are more complicated considerations, however:

In our case, since we do have a lot of family time, accepting another party member was simple. The challenge was overcoming the other reservations. The solution? Inviting the right friend.

You and your child might want to consider creating a short, hierarchical list of candidates to invite. That way, if your first choice doesn’t accept, you don’t have to start from scratch. (Just don’t reveal that someone is not your first choice!)

Bottom line: your invitation should be extended to a child both you and your child know well. You don’t want any surprises. Both families should be aware and comfortable with each other’s parenting styles, family dynamics, expectations and procedures. If you have more than one child, you must consider how the friends would interact with each other and with the siblings.

We decided to ask my 13-year-old niece to accompany us. It was long trip, far from home. My husband and I felt uncomfortable taking any of my daughter’s friends into that situation. At age 8, there’s still the prospect of homesickness. Inviting my niece alleviated comfort and familiarity concerns.

How do you make your choice a reality? Here’s the first of my two rules: You must (repeat, must) discuss the idea with the parents first. It would be unintentionally cruel to invite the child and raise hopes, only to find that she’s unavailable (or that his or her parents think you’re too nutty to care for their child). I broached the subject with my brother first, and, soon after, I received hugs and squeals from my niece.

My brother was happy, too, because he was off the hook: our conversation had already included finances. Read about money issues on the next page.

A problem: Your child may want to invite a particular friend, but you don’t believe you know that child or the family well enough yet. A compromise: While the child can’t accompany you on this trip, you can keep an eye on the future. Become more familiar with the child through local play dates, day trips and sleepovers.

Be frank about money matters with the parents; make sure it’s clear who pays what before the friend is involved. If you need financial assistance from the other family, make that evident in the first discussion: (“We can pay for transportation and hotel, but if you could chip in for food and souvenirs, that’d be great.”) If they offer to help and you accept, determine amount, designated purpose and timeframe. Is it for tickets or mementos? Is it a pre-trip payment or a reimbursement? Is it a fixed amount or within a stated range?

My husband and I believed that, since my niece’s company would enhance everyone’s trip, we’d cover transportation, food and lodging. She’d need to provide souvenir money, and she was mature enough to handle her own cash. If you take a friend who has spending money, clarify with the parents who’s going to hold onto it and how it’s going to be doled out.

Selection, permission, expenses — those are the essentials, but what else do you need to consider before hitting the road?

You’ll have to decide if this is appropriate for the kids involved, but I learned a technique from a teenage babysitter that I find direct and effective. While my husband and I are saying goodbye, we inform my daughter that, for now, the sitter is taking our place. My daughter should to listen to the sitter as if he or she were the parent. This may be a valuable scenario to enact with the friend’s family when you take over responsibility.

Here’s the second rule, and it could make or break your vacation: Present your behavioral expectations and consequences to all children and parents before the trip. Make sure that everyone knows and agrees upon any rules. You’re already familiar with each other, but vacations generate novel conditions. You can’t anticipate every situation, but consider common matters of safety and respect. For example:

Let your knowledge of the friend’s behavior be a guide during your discussion. For instance, my niece is, obviously, wonderful, but she seems physically attached to her cell phone and texts nonstop. Since this was a family vacation, I set a rule: Text at the hotel. Period. When we were out and about, the phone was decommissioned (except for important calls from her parents). While this cold turkey approach must have been painful, my niece was a real trooper and respected the rules.

This type of discussion should not be one-way. It’s the kids’ vacation, too. Make sure kids have input on selecting activities, changing activities and getting some alone time.

Now, you have a framework for the trip, but there are still some details that need attention. Information that should be shared before you leave includes:

If you plan ahead, taking a friend on a vacation can be more than helpful. Honestly, it was a pleasure for all of us to have my niece on our trip. After this experience, I won’t be so shocked if my daughter wants company on future outings, and I’ll remember how fun it was for me to have someone to sit beside on the roller coaster.

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