Are Your Work Friendships Only with People Who Look Like You?
Building cross-cultural friendships doesn’t have to be hard. In our research and professional coaching we’ve seen four strategies that people use to avoid minefields and build lasting friendships. They avoid being defensive or provoking defensiveness, they seek to understand their colleague, they don’t start a conversation until they are ready for it, and they avoid some common conversation killers like “No offense, but…”
For many working women, their relationships with female colleagues are critical to their workplace satisfaction, emotional well-being, and career advancement. Yet too many women miss out on relationships because they don’t know how to navigate relationships with women with different social identities, such as race, ethnicity, and sexual orientation at work. This is particularly true when it comes to race, as we heard from women again and again while researching workplace relationships and in our many years of coaching.
In surveys and interviews, we found many instances in which white women felt free to counsel their black female colleagues about their dress, sociability, and speech. Perhaps unsurprisingly then, time and again, we heard from black professional women who spoke of the tiresome and dispiriting efforts they make at work to “fit in.” Said one woman, “Every day I dress for work as if I were going to a meeting with the CEO. I am always kind and sweet to everyone, and I always smile until my cheeks hurt. I want to be sure I am not seen as an angry black woman. Every night I drop into bed exhausted from the effort.”
The question then is how women can do better. Based on our many years of coaching, we believe that this can only be done when women are willing to enter into honest, often uncomfortable conversations with one another. And while our research focused primarily on women and race, these tips are applicable for many relationships, including those between men, or between men and women. What they’re really about is creating an opening to honestly and caring-ly address cultural differences and allow each person in a relationship to be authentic to themselves. These conversations can often be very difficult, but many missteps can be avoided with these four simple tips.
Don’t Be Defensive And Don’t Provoke Defensiveness. If you feel the need to defend yourself—“I am not a racist”—stop and ask yourself why you feel threatened. If you become defensive, you are unlikely to understand what is being said, and you are unlikely to say what you really want to say.
By the same token, avoid saying anything likely to cause the other person to become defensive. For example, saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” devalues the other person’s feelings and accomplishes nothing positive.
Seek To Understand, Not Demonstrate You’re A Good Person. Your objective in having a conversation with a woman with different social identities is to understand where she is coming from, what her vulnerabilities are, and how you can make it clear to her it is safe to have this conversation. Forget about establishing the validity of your own point of view. Your aim should be to do better, not to prove you are a good person.
Don’t Start A Conversation Unless You Are Ready. Effective conversations about improving workplace relationships depend on a willingness to listen to what may be uncomfortable comments. Saying something like, “Let’s not go there, it will only make things more difficult,” is worse than not starting the conversation in the first place. Workplace relationships will not improve unless women refuse to treat any topic as off limits or to be tiptoed around.
Some Surefire Conversation Killers. Several things should never be said. Among them are, “No offense, but . . ,” “Don’t be so sensitive,” “Can’t you take a joke?”, “I am not a racist,” “I have many black (white/Asian/Hispanic/LGBTQ) friends,” and “You are different.” These statements shut down conversations, not open them up. Instead say, “I want your help so I can do a better job with our relationship.”
Differing intersectionalities can make same-gender workplace relationships difficult, but it is important for women to understand how they can make their relationships with women with different social identities strong and mutually supportive. We have seen it happen over and over again. Sure there are risks in trying to have these conversations, but the relationships that follow can be extremely valuable.
Andrea S. Kramer is a law partner at an international law firm, and for more than 30 years she has worked to promote gender equality in the workplace. She is the co-author, with Alton B. Harris, her husband of It’s Not You, It’s the Workplace: Women’s Conflict At Work and the Bias That Built It (Nicholas Brealey/Hachette 2019) and Breaking Through Bias: Communication Techniques for Women to Succeed at Work (Bibliomotion, May 2016).
Alton B. Harris has been a lawyer for more than 30 years and has worked to promote gender equality in the workplace. He is the co-author, with Andrea S. Kramer, his wife, of It’s Not You, It’s the Workplace: Women’s Conflict At Work and the Bias That Built It (Nicholas Brealey/Hachette 2019) and Breaking Through Bias: Communication Techniques for Women to Succeed at Work (Bibliomotion, May 2016).
Are Your Work Friendships Only with People Who Look Like You?
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