Help with dealing with someone who is in denial
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8 posts since
3 Jul 2019
Hi All,
I have never used a forum before but I am at my wits end with my Dad. Early this year he was diagnosed with Lymphoma. He won’t talk about his condition. At first he said it was an unknown cancer and the speciallist had no idea. then we found out it was lymphoma. He said that all the specialist had said he had caught it in time and he would be fine. Every time we mentiond doing a will or talking funeral he would say that they had assured him that the treatment had cured it.
Anywway we found out 2 weeks ago that the last 2 treatments haven’t worked and he had 2 choices go home and have 3 months or try another trreatment.We went for the treatment and I phoned the hospital to talk to the nurse to see what would happen if it doesn’t work. Unfortunately she couldn’t tell me over the phone ( I live in North Yorkshire he is in London). When he found out he had a go saying they would kick him off his treatment if I pestered. I phoned once Can they do that? He also said that now he has had the treatment he will live for 30 years and be here till he is 100. Is there a miraculous cure. If it doesn’t work will it have extended his 3 months as he said it has?
Thank for reading my rant.
1466 posts since
4 Jan 2019
Firstly they won’t stop his treatment if you call them up, there’s no miracle cure, Cemo can shrink the tumors, but they come back again. Sometimes operation neaded but depends on health and fitness, remember sometimes(, I’m not medicley trained some of this could be wrong)
4063 posts since
18 Aug 2017
Hi there ..
I’m a tad confused by your thread … is your dad on his own going through this? If so I can’t imagine how he is coping … and it seems your concerned about a will and funeral arrangements… I would have thought you’d be more worried about how he is coping … no wonder he doesn’t want to talk about things..
I’m sure your dad would feel better if the subject wasn’t about when he dies … but more about him coping now … Chrissie : ((
24 posts since
4 Apr 2019
Hi hun
Bless you. A good rant helps us all and I should know.
I haven’t any medical knowledge other than to concur with billygoat really. They definitely won’t stop any treatment because you have called them.
The nurses are lovely and will be answering loads of questions just like yours so don’t worry about this.
It would appear that he could be in denial but may just want to the positives and this could be his way of coping and what works for him.
Not much help am I I’m afraid.
Can only lend you a sympathetically ear and pass on loves and hugs I’m afraid xxxxc
1166 posts since
26 Jun 2017
Hi there, no one wants to discuss a will and funeral arrangements when they are battling cancer, you need a positive attitude to cope and it sounds like he has this attitude, so go with the flow and how he wants to cope with it. My husband has battled cancer for two years, it’s incurable but he won’t give in. We have never discussed funerals, it’s not what he wants to hear about. We don’t even go to funerals anymore as it’s too close to home! So let him do this his way and support him with positive thoughts not negative ones. There will be plenty if time when he gets to the stage of being really unwell to sort things out. Kind regards, Carol
1466 posts since
4 Jan 2019
Hi Dor I’m incurable as well have been for 3 1/2 year’s, but as soon as i found out i made all funeral arrangements for me and wife paid in full prices have nearly doubled since, more money for family to fight over remember things can go wrong all these things take time to arrange, i agree its up to you but have a fall back plan somewhere just in case good luck with the future,.
Billy
8 posts since
3 Jul 2019
Thanks all for this. I am just frustrated as he won’t keep me updated so I can help. I only know when he has been unwell after he gets out of hospital then he tells me he is ok and cured until the next thing happens. I know he doesn’t want to talk about funerals and such but when is the right time. What if I leave it too late then I won’t know what he wanted. Again it is the not knowing so I can help and respect his wishes.
8 posts since
3 Jul 2019
Hi Crissie thanks for your post. My dad is on his own which is the main problem. He won’t tell me anything until after. I feel so useless. Telling me the cancer is cured and he is going to live foe another 30 years means I can’t go into work and organise time off to go down to London. I can only get so much compassionate leave. I now don’t know whether to do it now or later. Talking funerals is just another issue I want to be involved in but don’t know when the right time is to ask. What if I leave it too late or he dies on his own because I didn’t know how serious it is. I don’t want him to be on his own at the end. But I don’t think he would tell me.
thanks for reading my rant
I feel so useless.
1166 posts since
26 Jun 2017
Hi Billy goat, always read your advice as it’s good. We’re pretty organised with Wills made, funeral payments in place blah, blah, but hubby doesn’t care because he says, he won’t be here! So, yes it’s nice to be organised but he may have all this in place but Dad’s want to stay Dad’s, mine wants to protect ours as although they are in their forties he still thinks of them as his little girls. Well done for getting this far were aiming for the same. Best wishes, Carol x
4063 posts since
18 Aug 2017
Hi there ..
Well you’ve made things a tad clearer … and I can see your worried bout your dad … that is the main thing now … as someone going through my journey with cancer … I’ve taken control over everything from treatment to funerals .. with total support of my amazing surgeon and family …
Now l wrote my wishes down when I was newly diagnosed with cancer that was a grade 3 .. I planned my funeral .. and made plans for leaving my things / money too .. I wrote them down and put them away untill needed .. now don’t take this wrong, and it’s just my thoughts .. but if my kids / family had asked me about a will or funeral arangments… I would have been really angry ..
If I were you, I’d ask him to write down anything he’d like to say in a letter for later .. and tell him, your just worried about him .. and if you stop asking , I’m betting he will slowly let you in … you may think you understand cancer… but untill you go through it , you can only imagine ..
I lost my mum suddenly from a heart attack and had no chance to even say those things like I was so proud to be her daughter… I talked to her on the phone one Monday morning, and at 5.20 that day she’d gone … you have your dad here right now .. let him lead the way .. tell you what he wants to tell you… none of us knows if we have tomorrow… maybe he doesn’t mind what funeral you give him .. maybe he doesn’t want to know how long he’s got left … nor do l … I live in the day .. make as many memories as I can every day ..
Just be with him when you can .. hold his hand .. talk to him .. ask him about his life .. he gave you life .. he helped you walk on your own .. watched you grow from a child to an adult .. now its time to help him on his journey, weather a day month or year … just be there when you can … you have the chance I never had with my mum .. don’t waste it by talk about things he doesn’t want too .. just go with him ..
Chrissie x
8 posts since
3 Jul 2019
Thanks for giving me the other side perspective. I lost my mum suddenly 2 years ago. I didn’t get the chance to be there for her. I wasn’t told by my stepdad that she was ill. again I was left out not included and I never got to say goodbye. Maybe this is part of it. I don’t want it too happen again. Thank you so much I had not put the connection together.
4063 posts since
18 Aug 2017
Hi …
That’s really sad and crule of your step dad … he probly had no idea the damage and hurt he caused you .. yes I think your right … your still grieving for your mum .. and now you understand that, think it out .. feel whatever you want to .. cry / yell or cuss at your step father .. then realise it was out of your control .. there was nothing you could have done ..
Sometimes we have to come to the fact we can’t control others , only our selfs… and I wasn’t with my dad when he passed either .. but I carry them both in my heart … I still talk about them years down the line.. that way they are not gone … just know you loved your mum and now your dad … that’s all we can do … I hope you get some nice memories with your dad still .. whatever time he has .. and let it be ..
Think then you’ll have something more then you ever thought … memories to hold on too .. bet there’s lots of things you could find out about his life … and you know it’s o.k to admit your scared .. we all are at times … I really hope you both find a path to walk along side each other … to day …
And you know , bet your mum’s looking down, and is sorry you didn’t get to say good bye … look in the mirror, she’s right there … sending you a vertual hug…. Chrissie xx
1466 posts since
4 Jan 2019
I can understand your feelings long time ago my sister got a house built (her husband owns a building firm) with a granny flat for my father they live about 3 hours away, i got a letter saying he’d died couple of weeks ago, i know he was ill but that’s it, would have been nice to know when funeral was (is) told he’s coming back near me to be near his wife,. Tomorrow, Sister never even came to funeral i had to sort everything out list minate only me there and funeral people,. We managed but it could have been better, hope you get sorted, best wishes.
Billy
63 posts since
24 May 2019
I can understand your frustration but he might not be ready to talk wills and funerals. Just after my husband was diagnosed in May, whilst on holiday in Spain we made our spanish wills. Purely because the legal stuff out there is a nightmare and not as straightforward as leaving it to me as it is here. However, it was very traumatic and we will not be talking english wills or funerals until my husband is ready or we need to. Still hoping for the operation to get the thing out of him, however due to prior health issues this is not straightforward.
Do you have any siblings you could talk to about this? xxx
8 posts since
3 Jul 2019
Hi tonid that’s the biggest problem. My sister is in Australia. He tells her the same as me. My half sister has had nothing to do with my dad for the last 25 years. This is why I want to talk to him as I don’t know if he wants her to be included. Also I don’t know where she is. If he does I have to find her.
It not just the wills and stuff. Its the fact he won’t tell me how I’ll he is. Saying he will live for 30 years doesn’t give me peace.
I would just like to know what is happening in case he needs help.
Help with dealing with someone who is in denial
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