Severe health anxiety and cancer worries
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1 posts since
31 Aug 2015
Hello,
I hope you don’t think I’m being insensitive by posting about my imaginary cancers. I would never try to compare my experience to someone living with cancer, but since this has affected me so much I thought it would be good to try and get some perspective from people who have dealt with cancers.
I’ve dealth with depression most of my life, and last year I collapsed into depression after a stressful period. My depression centres around obsession with death, knowing I’m going to die and not being able to deal with it. Consequently a black cloud comes over me and numbs me completely – life it worthless because I’m going to die. It’s happened a few times in my life and it lasts about a month or so, and I came out of the ‘cloud’, but this time I was stuck with an obsession, not just with dying at the end of a long life, but with the possibility of getting ill and dying at any time. That led to my first round of health anxiety, when I convinced myself I had stomach cancer for no real reason. It sounds so frivolous and silly but at the time it was always on my mind and I was constantly in a terminal mindset. It made me feel suicidal. I was told there was nothing wrong with my stomach but the tendency to obsess over my body hasn’t gone and since then I’ve found things to worry about everywhere – lumps in my mouth, on my neck, under my arms, on my head, then moles and weird things with my throat and ears.
The reason I’m posting now is because my anxiety over a lump on my head has flared up again, and after so many months of continuous anxiety, then panic, then horrible depression and suicidal thoughts and self harming, over so many different things, has left me basically a wreck. I can’t deal with the idea of being ill – I can’t deal with the idea of death in general, so I have to put it in the future, not now, not potentially right round the corner. I know so many people here are living with cancer and making the best of it, and I feel awful knowing that so far I’ve been okay and yet I still can’t deal with it. I know I’m not immortal or immune to illness, but actually confronting it is different from simply knowing it. But of course that means I can’t accept it if I am well because I feel guilty for being “lucky”!
The lump I’m worried about right now is about the size of a pea, on the back of my head under my hair. I first noticed it a few months ago. It’s firm and painless but I can push down on it slightly, like it’s filled with fluid, and it moves with my skin. i went to the doctor and she seemed confident it was an infected hair follicle or something similar.
More recently it feels as if the lump itself has gone down slightly, but I tried to feel what was underneath the fluid and I started to notice what feels like a sort of bony ridge, which I can only feel if I dig my nails in. It’s about 1cm long and only a few mm wide, and can’t be felt just by running my fingers over my scalp. I can’t tell if it’s attached to my skull or not. I can’t keep my mind from racing, and I’m really sorry if this is the wrong place to post or an obscenely long post, but I feel so helpless over all of this. I would appreciate any advice so much. Thank you.
1 posts since
31 Aug 2015
Hi there
Hypercondriac, I was one for ages still am my parents are as well persistantly taking me to doctors etc its ruined my life with anxiety and depression. Any detail of something on my body I would assume is cancer or disease i had multiple surgeries and check ups, nothing ever found. Its only the anxiety that will kill you, the thing is not to worry about yourself to much, worry about what you are actually doing in life and other people. Otherwise you cave in on whats physically wrong with you which is an illusion. If you have had no medical history and your just worried about something you have found on yourself again chances are its just paranoia. I remember a few years ago I found a lump on my skull and thought I had bone cancer and was crying for days on the floor! Lots of examples like that. I know where your coming from.
anywhere here to talk about it PM me if you want Im still struggling 
Jay
1427 posts since
3 Apr 2015
Hi vpfriends
I too have suffered lifelong depression so I know how it is to be in your shoes. It doesnt help when friends tell you to “cheer up” or “snap out of it” if you were able to you would. Go see your GP about the lump on your head it sounds like a sebacious cyst, at some point if you squeeze it really hard a load of horrid greasy liquid will come out. Cysts can also be removed surgically usually one of the GPs at your practice will be qualified to do this.
Re your fear of death, its quite normal, thats why most people believe in some sort of afterlife. Meanwhile its called life and it is fantastic, just take a good look around at the incredible world we live in, and try to get more involved with people, helping out those who need it where you can. Perhaps do some voluntary work at your local hospice, you will be of great benefit to the hospice whilst at the same time you may learn something about yourself and about how others cope with adversity.
Your illness is every bit as real and debilitating as cancer, but it is treatable, make an appointment with your GP and discuss openly your fears. Do take all the steps suggested by your GP, they will probably be as difficult for you as the treatments members of this forum have had to endure. Good luck with your recovery Kim
1 posts since
7 Mar 2018
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13 Oct 2018
This condition is ruining my life even seeing someone with cancer puts fear of god in me its like I can catch it by being near me it makes me so angry too I should be glad I’m fit a well physically
43 posts since
12 Jul 2016
1 posts since
25 Oct 2018
This is similar to how I feel. My mother was diagnosed back in 2009 and died a year later. I was constantly paranoid and was at the docs numerous times. It then passed briefly for a year or so. It’s since come back, my little girl has just turned 3 and we have a baby. It ruins my life, in the last week I’ve had about 5 different lumps alongside different other types I may have. I look at my children and feel sad all the time and I just want to think and feel normal. I’m in Preston xx
1 posts since
25 Nov 2018
Hi Diane77
I can completely sympathise, this disease has always terrified me to point of having to turn the adverts off on tv and then deal with the ocd tendacies for a few minutes after that the worry of this disease causes me. This month my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer and I’m now convinced I could also have something, with every twinge in my stomach, every time I get acid, every time I go to the bathroom I’m a nervous wreck. I have a dull stomach ache now and it it wasn’t for knowing that the time of the month is coming I’d be in a terrible state. I feel awful for feeling like this because no matter how bad I feel my dad is feeling a million times worse. I love him, I’m terrified of seeing him go through the chemotherapy and will be there for him but I also need to distance myself at times. I would recommend you try to talk to someone about how you feel, I’m doing the same and have my first session next Saturday. Please know you are not the only one who feels like this Xx
43 posts since
12 Jul 2016
Dear Bella8,
I believe your reaction is perfectly common when hearing such news.
You noticed i never said Sad.
It is time to look after your Dad as he will need support during his chemo. The chemo is a good bit of news as the Specialists are actively working on your Dad i guess to improve his quality of life and extra survival. If they were doing nothing it would be sad but he will be on active treatment to help him.
Bella8 you are not going to catch it so try and focus on something to take you away from the subject.
Also, maybe, research the type of Cancer that will hopefully give you a distraction but also help your loving Dad.
Try to find out the chemo and the side effects and you can plan how to work together so you both have a life.
If you need anymore please contact Myself.
very best wishes
andydorro1
Severe health anxiety and cancer worries
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