Why kids who ace school suffer in life
“You’re so talented.” She hears this sentence quite often. And she believes that. After all, she keeps getting the best grades out of her class. After school, she does so many activities that people wonder how she’s managing all of it. But she loves doing more, she loves achieving, she loves being the best. Her ambition is sky-high. She’s doing great, right? What could possibly go wrong?
Fast forward ten years — she is an average woman, trying to find her way through life, but she is hopelessly lost.
I know that story very well. I know that story because I am that girl. I, and so many other amazing human beings I’ve watched grow next to me. For now, I’ll call us the A* kids.
I come from a small town in a small country. Somewhere very early on, I received the message about myself that I am smart. Ever since then, I would cling on to that message as babies cling on to their favourite toy. Nobody could take it away from me. I soon discovered two things: (1) I like being praised, and (2) when I do well at something, I am usually praised. You can imagine the rest of the story. My education can be described as a several-year-long chase after being the best. The best at what, you ask? Anything. Give me a subject, I’ll give you a 100% result on a test. Most of the times I learned pretty quickly, sometimes I struggled a lot, but I never gave up. I loved getting those A’s. Anything less than that felt like a failure to me.
Two law degrees in two foreign languages, a training contract with a London City law firm and some major episodes of self-doubt later: I am an average woman, trying to find my way through life, but I am hopelessly lost.
Well, maybe not that hopelessly anymore. In the past couple of months, I began realizing the extent of damage that the educational system caused me and so many others. I’m constantly exploring this topic and trying to make sense of it. Here’s what I found out.
A couple of years ago, I began noticing a pattern in my social bubble: someone is an A* student, excels in extracurriculars, gets into a prestigious university abroad. Soon after that, they start battling anxiety and/or depression. You don’t hear much about them anymore. A shooting star that fades away surprisingly quickly after climbing so high on the horizon.
Why is it that the best kids in the classroom usually stay so far behind when the school is over?
If you’re an A* kid, there are really two options that can happen.
Either you are very lucky, maybe you are part of a closed community, maybe your family is very well connected or your parents are rich. In that case, you can go on being top of the class in life. There will still be a clear structure of “if you do X, you will receive Y”. You will follow a clear path, collect successes and probably be happy with that.
But most of the A* kids sooner or later have to fight their own way through life. And most, like me, find it incredibly difficult and confusing. To our surprise, there isn’t any way to ace life.
We, A* kids, excel at school. That’s it. At some point during high school or university, we peak. After that, the road leads downhill. Think about it — if the main skill you have acquired throughout your school years is how to be the best in a classroom, you will naturally be completely lost when you no longer find yourself in one. You are desperately trying to play by the same old rules while the game has changed.
So what are the main reasons that make A* kids suffer in life?
All successes taste very sweet. The problem begins when you never taste anything else. Then, the sweet taste will not be just a special treat — it will be your day-to-day meal and you will find anything else unappealing.
Here I am, with all my degrees, all my certificates and prizes, making a huge discovery: failing is a major part of life. Hello, why I am I only finding this out now? Can I claim my tuition fees back?
Looking back, I see that there were several things during my school years that I failed at or that didn’t go as planned, but I never developed a mechanism for accepting them. I never even acknowledged them. They were brushed away as odd coincidences. I didn’t learn how to cope with failure.
The truth is, while you can keep getting straight A* at school, in reality any success is balanced by a group of failures. Applying for jobs is a great example. When I was in the process, I thought: “I did all the things right, I fulfilled all the requirements, I said the right things. I am bound to get that job.” Turns out it doesn’t work this way. No matter how good or prepared you are, there will always be external factors beyond your control. It’s a game of chances, that’s all. Occasionally you win, but more often you don’t.
In fact, sometimes I wish I didn’t do so well at school. That kid that was getting B’s or C’s is probably much more settled right now. He’s experienced and overcome setbacks, he can cope with rejection. I don’t really know how to do that.
I find it ridiculous how ready I am to give up if something doesn’t go according to my plan. The fact is, everyone needs to grow a certain level of resistance or immunity to failure. While we, the A* kids, were always the best in your classroom, in this aspect of life we are falling behind big time.
If you continue praising a child for results, it will think that it’s praiseworthy because of the results rather than its effort. (For an explanation of this concept and many other amazing tips as to how to help children become emotionally mature adults, I recommend The Silent Guides by Prof Steve Peters). That child will not develop a healthy self-esteem and will be dependent on external rewards.
When, after stepping out of the classroom, A* kids see that life is full of un-successes, their self-image takes a sharp U-turn to the negative. We start believing that something is wrong with us.
In fact, I’ve seen A* kids who, as adults, realized that life cannot be aced, and proceeded to take up an activity through which they are rewarded. They go on being the best in their Club, winning competitions and collecting meaningless trophies. Acing something is like a drug to us, and if you take one sort away, we’ll find a replacement.
Leaving university, you are deemed to be a young adult ready to start partaking in life. What a shame to realize at that point that you have never developed appropriate self-esteem and need to start working on it all over again. Worse even, some A* kids might not come to this realization at all and will keep fulfilling their urge to seek external validation for the rest of their lives.
For A* kids, life has a clear structure. In the short run, you know what test or competition is coming up and how much time you need to prepare to ace it. In the long run, you select which of the world’s top universities you want to apply to and start preparing years ahead. There is always another goal to be achieved. All you need to do is to fulfil your plan and everything is fine. You keep on succeeding.
The problem is that once you get out of the system, chaos prevails. There is no longer any given structure. You are free to do whatever you like, and that is terrifying. How on earth will you now find out what you need to do to be the best?
Often, A* kids fail to acknowledge the chaos. They will keep on climbing an artificial ladder just to be shielded from the unruliness of reality. After university comes exam A which, if aced, leads to an internship B, which, if aced, leads to job C, which, if aced, leads to another job D. They will never be satisfied. The ladder has no end because it is just an illusion created to fulfil our need of structure. It’s sad to think that some of us will get stuck in this illusion forever because we don’t know a way out.
Right, so I had to lie about this one in pretty much every single one of my interviews.
The truth is, most A* kids don’t like to work with other people. Why? Because in our opinion, other people will keep us down. There, I said it. I like to say ridiculous things out loud because that’s the only way they’ll lose their power.
Working in collaboration with others allows for the sharing of ideas, experiences and perspectives. Whatever the outcome of collaborative work, it is likely to be much more robust and comprehensive than the work of one individual. This is why people are asked to work together.
But if education successfully instilled in you the idea that the sole purpose of any activity is to be the best, you won’t be able to appreciate that. No wonder that A* kids are often the “dictators” of group projects. They are addicted to praise and they will not let anyone steal their fix. This narrow-mindedness, perhaps even ignorance, is hugely detrimental to A* kids (and those forced to work with them, of course). The truth is, once you step out of classroom, nobody really cares how amazing you are. It is much more important if and how you’re able to collaborate with others. Unfortunately, as young adults, A* kids have to learn this skill from scratch.
I might be getting a little philosophical here but hear me out.
You cannot ace life because there is nothing to be aced. The world is not a classroom where you can compare yourself to others and see whether you’re in the 90th or 95th percentile (what a big deal anyway!). This value of making comparative judgements about yourself and others that education gave us is a highway to a miserable life.
Yes, it’s incredibly important to improve and work on yourself, but all that work should ultimately lead to yourself becoming a more authentic, content and compassionate human being. You shouldn’t constantly strive to be the best because: a. it will not happen, and b. it cannot make you happy.
I really like a remark that Sadhguru made during his lecture for Columbia University students: whatever you choose to do, instead of focusing on results, you should focus on the process. If you are excited about the process and give your best, results will come no matter what you eventually set as your goal. But letting go of strictly set goals doesn’t come naturally to A* kids. The idea that there is not a specific base you need to reach in order to feel like you’ve accomplished something is new to A* kids and causes a lot of anxiety. I kept asking: “Wait, so what is it that I have to do in order to do well in life?” There is no answer. You have to figure it out on your own.
I haven’t quite managed to do that yet. But at least I understood that being fixated on external achievements is not the way to go. You can spend a lot of time pondering about the purpose of your life, but I’ll tell you that one thing is for sure: it’s not to be the best. It’s a pity that this is the message education gives us. If you, like me, are an A* kid, now is the time to start getting rid of that belief.
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Why kids who ace school suffer in life
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