It’s Not Just Physical

Whenever I write about my experiences with poor body image, lipedema, and obesity, the responses are a mixed bag.

Some people are grateful that I’m writing about these tough emotions. Others are flabbergasted that I’m talking about being fat.

Again.

If you don’t like something, fix it” is common advice. A lot of people question why I haven’t changed my habits if being fat is so troublesome to me.

I’ve lost more than 100 pounds twice in my life. I don’t even have a count of how many times I’ve lost between 30 and 50 pounds.

It’s happened a lot, though it’s certainly been more difficult as I’ve gotten older.

But changing my habits isn’t the complete answer. I’ve changed my habits a lot. I’ve yet to find sustainable habits, however. Change I can actually maintain.

I’ve lived on diets below 800 calories. Or raw vegan diets with 2 hours of walking every single day.

I’ve been through therapy. I’m in therapy. I’ve tried many things other people simply don’t know about. Yet there’s still an assumption that I’ve never really tried anything.

Though to be fair, the whole change your habits conversation suggests that once again obesity is only something you actively choose for yourself. As if it’s some cut and dry issue.

Obesity is already complicated anytime you have hormonal dysfunctions which negatively impact your endocrine system. Precocious puberty, PCOS, and lipedema all fall under that umbrella. Even endometriosis.

My Lupron injections began at age 5 and went on for 7 years. My menstrual cycles were medically induced and I spent many additional years on the pill.

Studies have shown that women with PCOS typically do not lose weight on 1200 calorie diets. When they do lose weight, it’s less than their peers who don’t have PCOS. That’s because we tend to have significantly reduced basal metabolic rates.

Of course, it’s even more startling when a woman has lipedema. Lipedema fat doesn’t reduce with diet or exercise.

Currently, we only have anecdotal stories about women with lipedema who are able to reduce the size of their legs through a certain diet, say keto or veganism. But we have no science-backed evidence for getting rid of lipedema fat beyond water-assisted liposuction.

And even that doesn’t always work.

A lot of folks who read my stories about my weight struggles don’t understand why I haven’t had weight loss surgery.

Isn’t that the obvious answer?

But weight loss surgery requires certain approvals because it carries a set of risks. Women with lipedema are at an increased risk of developing lymphedema. That’s an often incurable disease of the lymphatic system which can result in even larger limbs than what I have already.

There are other risks to having surgery, of course, but what really stands out to me is the fact that weight loss surgery is a tool and not a cure. For some folks with addiction issues, they regret bariatric surgery because they unexpectedly wound up turning to alcohol.

In essence, some people trade one addiction for another and it wasn’t until recent years that experts even realized this was a problem.

To be fair, it’s a big problem.

And it highlights how weight struggles may have an emotional and mental health aspect too.

Plenty of people don’t understand this because they haven’t actually been there. They may have been fat and even obese, yet they never had diseases like lipedema or PCOS.

Furthermore, they may not have had a full-blown eating disorder.

See, all of these conversations are difficult because none of us really know what the other person has been through. The people who don’t get it and think I’m willfully abusing my body might have their own body image issues.

They might still carry a great deal of pain.

As a super fat woman, I know too well how much pressure there is to explain myself.

Why haven’t I had bariatric surgery?

Why do I keep writing about being fat?

Why don’t I just change my habits?

Why don’t I try this recommendation and quit complaining?

But the reality is that weight issues are sometimes real battles with our bodies and our mental health. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve also battled depression and borderline personality disorder. And I’m not ashamed to admit that many of my symptoms are now in remission.

What’s not in remission? My weight struggles. My disordered eating.

As icky as it is to talk about, binge eating is a real mental health issue. Orthorexia is another mental health issue. Eating disorders are mental health issues.

Shaunta Grimes is open about the fact that weight loss surgery changed many of her habits, but it didn’t take away her eating disorder.

And I am frankly “too bad off” in my own disordered eating to fool myself into the notion that surgery would fix those issues.

Right now, I wish the world would give me some space to write honestly about my weight struggles without ridicule. Maybe without exasperated sighs or rolled eyes.

And I know there will always be people who mean the best but don’t understand. They’re fortunate to not know what it’s like to live in this kind of turmoil and conflict. I’m sure there are other wars within them that I won’t understand either.

And that’s the key, I think. Sometimes the are no real good answers. When we’re talking about mental health, body image, and the hormonal diseases which impact weight?

There are no good answers and no universal solutions.

There’s just this vast expanse of space that every hurting person needs.

Sometimes we need space to lick our wounds and heal.

Sometimes we need space to be conflicted, flawed, and human.

Sometimes we just need to be treated like a human being rather than a problem to be solved.

And I don’t imagine that i’ll quit writing about these things anytime soon.

I can’t stop because it helps my mental health to talk about it.

I won’t stop because it helps somebody else know they aren’t alone in the conflict and incongruity either.

And I never stop trying… something, because it’s not just a physical issue.

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It’s Not Just Physical

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