Ten Ways to Spot a Germaphobe

I admit it. I am a high-functioning, mainstream germaphobe. Not the clinically diagnosed type that won’t leave the house like Bill Murray’s character in the movie “What About Bob.” I don’t wear a face mask when I travel in public. I play sports, shake hands, ride public transportation and even sometimes eat at a salad bar, if it looks very clean. While I don’t consider my germaphobia a major psychosis, I do have my issues.

Since we inhabit this planet together, let me share several techniques we germaphobes use to avoid contamination and explain what is going through our heads in the process. It may help you relate to us better — or maybe you will find out you are one of us.

It is important to understand, in everything we do, we see the potential for infection. Especially in public places. A high-functioning germaphobe’s goal is to minimize risk without it being obnoxiously obvious. Here are ten ways you can spot us in the wild.

Indicator One: Aversion to Handles and Knobs
A high-functioning germaphobe will open doors, but will look for the least likely point of public contact.

Here is our decision tree (in order of desirability) when it comes to opening doors, especially in public places:
A) Use a foot latch if available
B) Follow someone in or out, using your shoulder or arm to keep door open
C) Use paper towel or tissue to grab handle
D)Touch the door at a point much higher than the handle (out of reach of that snotty-nosed kid)
E) If we must touch a handle or knob, use as minimal contact as possible. A pinky finger, maybe the last two fingers. Never the index or the thumb.

When faced with the last choice, we immediately find our way to hand sanitizer as soon as possible, which leads us to Indicator Two.

Indicator Two: Washing Hands Like a Surgeon
When it is time to wash hands, we really wash our hands.

A true germaphobe will never pass on any opportunity to wash hands or use hand sanitizer. We are the ones that are actually waiting for the water to get hot before we start washing. We are lathering the soap up and washing all the way to the forearm. If we were wearing scrubs, you would probably assume we were a doctor getting prepped for surgery.

When we can’t be at the sink, we will pump the hand sanitizer in generous amounts. Even when we have a bad papercut, we still go for it—we just take the pain.

Indicator Three: Palming our Pills
We use the inner palm method. Palms are least likely to have touched anything else.

This may be less obvious to the non-germaphobe eye. First of all, we never ask someone for a pill, we ask for the bottle of pills. We will be the ones to handle the pill, thank you. When we open the bottle of ibuprofen, we tap the tablets into the middle of our palm. Then using the middle of our palm we pop them into our mouth. Why? Because the middle of the palm is less likely to have touched anything than the fingers themselves. Think about it, when did your very inner palm touch last touch something. You had to think, didn’t you?

Indicator Four: The Infamous Arm Grip
When standing on a train or subway, we use our inner elbow to hold on to that metal bar.

There are few things on earth more toxic to a germaphobe than the metal bars on any form of public transportation. Who knows what is on that bar and how many sticky and gunky hands have touched that today? It’s not like they stop to clean it in between rides. People coming in and out all day. For all we know they have typhoid.

The elbow method is quite simple. Latch your arm around the bar from the outside. Squeeze inner elbow tightly around bar. Hang on for dear life. It actually can be a nice bicep work out. Now that we’ve taught you this technique, you will notice it more.

Indicator Five: The Elbow Shake
We shake hands when we must, but when there is a hint of illness presented, we offer the elbow shake.

Speaking of elbows, the elbow shake is becoming a thing. You offer out your right elbow and the other party does the same. The point of elbows touching provides a friendly connection that only looks like two chicken wings hitting each other. And no germs. Look around, you’ll see it more than you think.

When the other party doesn’t quite understand the elbow shake, we will course correct into a solid hand shake and then make sure that our right hand doesn’t touch anything until we find a way to wash. It is top-of-mind until we find a sink or hand sanitizer (which is a staple in our purse or backpack). If offered a snack before we’ve resolved this, we’ll either abstain, or in the case of chocolate, we’ll eat left-handed.

Indicator Six: The Dining Dilemma
We try very hard not to think about what happens in the kitchen.

As highly-functioning germaphobes, we still eat out. We just have learned to create a barrier of thought between the food at our table and where it was prepared. The mind is a powerful tool and we use a type of meditation to keep certain thoughts out. We just imagine that everything was prepared with the highest sanitation in mind. Knives and bowls were thoroughly washed. Employee hands were washed exactly as described on the sign in the bathroom. The produce vendor that day didn’t drop the tomatoes on the floor. The cook doesn’t have a cold. You get the idea. We hope for the best in our minds and make that our reality. We would never ever take a job working in a restaurant, in order to maintain our naivety.

Even eating at home, we need to make sure the silverware is spotless. In the rare case we are eating leftovers, we must know exactly how long the food has been in the Tupperware so as to avoid any chance of bacterial build-up. In reality, it is actually rare for us to eat food left in Tupperware (see my humor piece on the Five Stages of Tupperware Grief, featured in Medium’s Human Parts).

Indicator Seven: The Foot Flush
Sorry, my foot may have damaged the toilet flush handle.

This is probably more of an issue for those of us using urinals. In a typical toilet stall, the toilet paper can provide a safe barrier to use for flushing, but at a urinal there is no such help. We all hope for the auto-flush, but when the toilet is manual, we are left with the choice to either not flush at all or to flush with our foot. Germaphobes go 50–50 on this choice. I personally choose the foot flush. Sometimes the handles are pretty high, so it can be a good exercise in flexibility. Glad I took up yoga a couple years ago.

Indicator Eight: Taking Towels Seriously
Towels can be a blessing or a curse to a germaphobe.

In any public place, or even our own homes, we use a simple trick for how we use hand towels. We never wipe our hands on the side of the towel facing out. We always reach for the area on the towel least likely used. It is usually the folded inside part of the back half of the towel. That is our safe space. The public facing side of an already used hand towel conjures thoughts of soap-less hand washings or the drying of someone else’s face and its associated oils and such.

In a hotel, we avoid the hanging towels and use the backup folded towels. In fact, one of my rituals when I arrive at a hotel is to get a folded hand towel, unfold it and set it on the counter. This is now my sanctuary to place all my toiletries upon. The maids leave it alone and I don’t have to think what germs may have been on that counter from the past. Yuck!

Indicator Nine: Pillow Talk
Since a pillow is our faces nearest partner, it is to be carefully monitored.

There is no other place where our face — the gateway for most infection — will be planted for so long each day. We spend six to eight hours a night breathing on that fabric.

At home, it is fairly simple. No one touches dad’s pillow. The kids know that it is to be left alone from a very young age. If they come to our bed, they treat it like it is some sort of kryptonite. Perfect.

But what about in a hotel? Do mainstream germaphobes trust that they actually change the sheets and all those pillowcases everyday? We do. We have to. But we have a routine. Before we get into our bed, we remove every decorative pillow and then we hide any other excess pillows but the one we are using. It is a clear sign to the maid that this is my pillow and it stays here on the bed free and clear of additional handling.

And while on the subject of pillow talk…one may ask, do germaphobes kiss their partner. Yes, we’re human. But mouthwash, mouthwash, mouthwash. If a germaphobe creates a prenup, it will likely include a mouthwash clause. And not the weak stuff — it has to be the old school Listerine — the kind that burns in your mouth while killing 99.99% of bacteria.

Indicator Ten: Facing the iGerms 
Researchers say the dirtiest thing we touch all day is our mobile phones. Maybe true for your phone, but not for ours.

A lot of research has been posted about the germs on people’s cell phones (not to mention iPads, Laptops, etc.). We’ve read news articles about how the typical mobile phone contains more germs than a toilet. Not our phones. They are cleansed with hand sanitizer or disinfecting wipes on a regular basis. A true germaphobe would never let their kids touch their phones, that is why my kids all got their own iPod very early in life.

Of all the above, nothing grosses out a germaphobe more than touching someone else’s phone. The phone that someone else has talked into, put their face against, taken into the bathroom. We almost lose our lunch at the thought.

DO NOT hand us your phone. Just make the call for us. Or hold up the phone so we can see the video you want to show. Please just DO NOT make us touch your phone. Thank you.

If you are reading this on your phone and you are about to go sanitize your device for the first time ever…welcome, we are happy to have you amongst our ranks.

If you have no desire to go clean your phone at this time, at least you know how to spot us now. Just please keep that phone to yourself and keep using the front side of the towel.

Ten Ways to Spot a Germaphobe

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